Friday, February 08, 2013

True Story

Tonight, I bought a telescoping ladder from a drunk black dude outside a 7-11 for twenty bucks and a pack of Kools.

Okay, that sounds racist.  It also sounds like receiving stolen property....

Shit...did it again.  Forget I said that.

Updated:  Today I've been so afflicted by moral guilt over this whole ordeal that I considered contacting the police.  But I'm not going to.

I'm just going to resolve to never buy shit from drunk people outside 7-11s again.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013

More Dreams

I start my new schedule tomorrow and have yet to make it through a whole night of sleeping.  Last night, I slept in short three hour bursts, afflicted by dreams. 

In the first one I had reunited with an ex-girlfriend.  We were sleeping when her phone went off.  She talked in hushed tones and hung up disturbed.  She said she had to go but she'd be back soon.  No other details were forthcoming, but I knew it was an ex-boyfriend.  I told her I would keep an eye on her daughter while she was gone and she left.  A short time later, the house started filling up with all these people, her friends and family.  I kind of had the feeling they were sent there to keep an eye on me.  I asked what was going on.  Sit down, I was told.  Shut up, they told me.

So I sat down on the edge of the bed, feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the situation.  Next thing I know this guy was flicking at my ear, trying to intimidate me.  It was at least twenty to one, so I was plenty intimidated.  Still, I asked him, "What's your problem?"  "You know what it is," he said.  The menace was like a cloud in the room.  I started to tell him, no I don't and I don't really appreciate them bursting in and being assholes, but then I woke up in a cold sweat.

When I finally went back to bed, I had another one where I was on a road trip with my Mom and my Grandma, being driven around by some old people I didn't know.  We took a short cut through the mountains, but it wasn't some gentle valley pass.  It was a road cut out of the top of the mountains, bounded by a dented chain link fence.  I was so terrified that I just closed my eyes and held on.  Every time I opened them, we were coming up on some hair pin curve with a huge drop and the old guy driving kept hitting the fence.

Finally we made it through.  I was complaining about the route until my Grandma showed me the map and we were in New Mexico.  Instead of taking hours, it had only taken a half hour, and I grudgingly agreed the short cut was worth it. Later, we stopped off at some little town and got burritos off a food truck.

I woke up, still in a cold sweat, but strangely hungry...

It was around 4 in the morning by this point, and after a night of restless sleep, I was still tired.  So I went back to bed.

In my final dream, I was at a McDonald's parking lot and was confronted with a strange problem.  My truck had magically duplicated itself, leaving me with the dilemma of how to get them both home.  I had no one to call to help, so I decided I was going to hopskotch my way home, driving one truck a little ways, walking back for the other, driving that a little ways, walking back for the other.

It would be time consuming, but I'm no stranger to time consuming routes home.  I thought if I could drive to a street with a bus route, I could avoid much of the walking.  Only I was no where near a street with a bus route.

So off I go in one truck, but while I was driving, I discovered that someone had broken into it.  They stole my air bag and knocked my stereo out.  Pissed, I pulled over and started going through my glovebox to see what else they had stolen.  This homeless guy with a baby strapped to his back approached me and asked him I could give him a ride.  Still sorting through my glovebox, I explained my dilemma and he offered to help.

I kept finding all this cash wadded up with receipts in the glovebox, thinking to myself, what a bunch of dummies.  They take the air bag but leave all this cash. 

I had stopped near a park and there was a crowd forming to watch fireworks.  The homeless guy with the baby wandered off to watch the fireworks and I was left with my broken-into truck and wads of cash.

Then I remembered that my other truck was parked in a handicap spot at the McDonald's.

Again, I woke up...cold sweat, right arm numb, confused and unrested.  But light was streaming through the curtains at that point, so I got up for the final time, relieved that it was over.

Monday, February 04, 2013

Free Advertising

This was my favorite Super Bowl commercial. It was so surreal and weird, but the guy's twitching watery eye just sealed it.

Always Leave a Big Tip (That's What She Said)

I decided some years ago that I was going to be a good tipper.  I suppose I could use my tip as a commentary opportunity, but then I would just be playing with someone's livelihood.  Waitstaff hardly make anything, so I view it as my opportunity to do what their bosses won't:  pay them for the work they do.

And that's why I dig this Applebee's tip story.  No, not the one where the self-righteous cheap skate pastor got the waitress fired....

This one.

Sunday, February 03, 2013


I had a dream last night that I was at a party hosted by Johnny Knoxville.  There was a lot of cocaine around and whenever someone asked me to snort a line, I demurred.

Walking by the bar, I saw the lead singer from the band fun and stopped to be a fan boy.  "Oh, man, I love your music."  I wanted to ask him about a particular line from a particular song, but I couldn't remember the line and I couldn't remember the song.

Kevin Bacon was sitting next to him, and when I noticed that, I told Kevin Bacon I loved his music too, even though I can't recall even hearing any of it.

Then I woke to the sound of silence and the cars were cutting like knives in a fistfight.

If you're lost and alone or you're sinking like a stone....