Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Not Dead, But Might As Well Be

So I'm back on the night shift and unfortunately I will be stuck with it through the winter.  Consequently, I've been worrying about my mental health.  I've been depressed for what seems like years now, but my last stint on nights had me contemplating suicide.

At first, it was kind of funny.  "Kill yourself?  Don't be ridiculous.  Just get a new job.  Rebuild your life.  It'll be alright."  And for a while, I actually believed it.

Now I realize my problems are deeper than just my employment situation.  Truth is, the job is the most reliable thing in my life.  Friends, family....they are not involved in my life, and from what I can tell, don't even want to be.  The job, on the other hand, is there for me at least four days a week.  So if I think about it, really put it into perspective, the job's not a source of misery or instability.  Indeed, it's the only thing keeping me upright.

Which is so depressing, I'm actually considering therapy.


KickinAssTakingNames said...

Are you sure about your comment regarding your friends/family? Because I think that's just your state of mind showing itself. You have mentioned loved ones in many posts over time, so I know they're there. But when one is depressed, I definitely feels very lonely.

I'm sorry to hear about the night shift. I know you hate it, and I'm sure it doesn't help your mood to have a wacky schedule. Hang in there. Make a point to drag yourself out even if you don't feel like it, and plan ahead for some live music, football watching, and other things that you enjoy. That will help keep you afloat until this passes. Which it will. In the meantime, also start seeing a therapist. From what I can tell you are very introspective, so as long as you find a good match you will get something out of it. I might be just a little ol' blog acquaintance, but a friend is a friend all the same, and you have one here.

Keep looking for another job, by the way. I've said it before-you need to get out of that place. It's sucking the life out of you, whether or not it's "there" for you 4 days a week. Don't give up, the market still sucks, but something will happen eventually.

James said...

Thanks for the kind words. I've been thinking about going to therapy for a while but have been reluctant to as I'm not sure it will help. I don't want a chemical fix, nor do I think I need to "talk" about my problems. I need...something else. I don't know what.

As to the comment about my family/friends...yeah, justified or not, I do feel that way. I didn't word it very well, and there's more that sentiment that complicates it, but I'm just not feeling the love.