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Thursday, December 13, 2012

Night Shift Blegh

Lord, give me the strength to endure the next few weeks, and the courage to quit my job and find a new one.  I've been talking about it forever, but it's just been talk.  Truth is, I'm scared.  Scared I'll make less money, scared I'll work for a shittier company, scared I won't like it, just scared.

Which is why I need strength and courage, because as scared as I am, I'm twice as over making myself available 24X7, 365 days a year.

Adding random pics to break up the text.  This is a wall in Glenwood Springs.
Right now I'm working the night shift and I've never been so bored in my life.  I'm talking about some existential boredom here.  It's not that I'm sitting around with nothing to do, although I do a fair bit of that on the weekends --by myself in the dark, can't stay up past noon, nor sleep past midnight.  It's just that it's all boring.

I'm boring.  Ask anyone, they'll tell you.  I'm poorly socialized, uncommunicative, and closed off.

And I'm sick of being like that.  I used to have friends.  I used to do things.  Now I just work a shift like a cell phone plan from ten years ago:  nights and weekends, nights and weekends.

I got a message from a buddy sometime this weekend  --not sure when exactly-- chiding me about my fantasy football team.  He says "Dude you gave up weeks ago and you're going to beat me in the playoffs."  It's true.

I did give up weeks ago.  When the season started, Sundays were just another ten hour day for me, a Wednesday or a Thursday.  Not only did I miss the games, I missed the experience.  I missed the commentary, the hype, the feeling of watching --and paying attention to-- a game in progress.

This is an Apache (?) helicopter outside Canon City.
I tried watching replays on my "weekend" but there's nothing more boring than a football game that's already been decided.  Try and avoid scores...try it.  A news junkie like me can resist clicking on the scores, but seeing the "Broncos Beat Everybody" headlines?  A waste of time, man.

And the Broncos are beating everybody.  We're at the top of the AFC?  What the fuck?  And I sleep through the games on Sunday, telling myself I don't care.

I want to get up in the morning, do my work, and then live my life.  I want to go back to school, not for a Computer Science degree or a certification, but for something else.  I want to take a chemistry class.  I don't know anything about chemistry.

I want to join a writer's group.

I want to take a woman, or seven of them, out to dinner any day of the week.

I want to be able to go on a weekend retreat without taking any days off.

Earlier this year, I'm sitting at a church men's retreat, a place I wouldn't normally be if my brother wasn't there and the church wasn't so non-denominational, and I'm telling this guy I just met seconds before all the intimate details of my life, things I'm reluctant to admit to myself.

This is me in Estes Park during the mens' retreat
Things like:  I act like my job is the most important thing in my life, and truth is...it doesn't even rate. The things that do --the people that do-- get the shaft...for a job I don't even really care about!

The good news is that getting a job now will probably be easier than ever.  Not only are there plenty of opportunities --Kaiser is adding 500 IT jobs, I read (that's a LOT!)-- I just don't care anymore.  I saw a six month contract job doing god knows what god knows where making just a few bucks less than what I'm making now.  The shifts started at 5AM and were all over by 7PM.

Sign me up for the early one!


1 comment:

KickinAssTakingNames said...

You're not boring, you just feel that way right now. That job is sucking the life out of you, hence, why you can't muster up the enthusiasm to make a change despite wanting one so bad. I've never worked that shift, but based on friends' experiences, it's hard to have a "life" when you work those odd hours, so you're not alone. I feel for you, it must be hard.

I have found that when you've had bad job experiences, it's hard to escape that fear of potentially going to something worse, so you tend to stay stuck in bad situations for too long. With a few exceptions, I've had a lifetime of bad luck in the job department. Even my current one, which I happen to love, will be coming to and end because the grant that funds it is ending next summer and the agency's new Exec. Dir. has decided not to renew ANY grants. Screwed again. I need to start looking now and give myself plenty of time, but I find I can't seem to bring myself to even update my resume. Job searching is so unpleasant and time consuming, so perhaps that is coming into play for you as well.

I wish you luck. Don't stop believin'! (not meant to be a Journey quote, although it is).