Which is why I need strength and courage, because as scared as I am, I'm twice as over making myself available 24X7, 365 days a year.
|Adding random pics to break up the text. This is a wall in Glenwood Springs.|
I'm boring. Ask anyone, they'll tell you. I'm poorly socialized, uncommunicative, and closed off.
And I'm sick of being like that. I used to have friends. I used to do things. Now I just work a shift like a cell phone plan from ten years ago: nights and weekends, nights and weekends.
I got a message from a buddy sometime this weekend --not sure when exactly-- chiding me about my fantasy football team. He says "Dude you gave up weeks ago and you're going to beat me in the playoffs." It's true.
I did give up weeks ago. When the season started, Sundays were just another ten hour day for me, a Wednesday or a Thursday. Not only did I miss the games, I missed the experience. I missed the commentary, the hype, the feeling of watching --and paying attention to-- a game in progress.
|This is an Apache (?) helicopter outside Canon City.|
And the Broncos are beating everybody. We're at the top of the AFC? What the fuck? And I sleep through the games on Sunday, telling myself I don't care.
I want to get up in the morning, do my work, and then live my life. I want to go back to school, not for a Computer Science degree or a certification, but for something else. I want to take a chemistry class. I don't know anything about chemistry.
I want to join a writer's group.
I want to take a woman, or seven of them, out to dinner any day of the week.
I want to be able to go on a weekend retreat without taking any days off.
Earlier this year, I'm sitting at a church men's retreat, a place I wouldn't normally be if my brother wasn't there and the church wasn't so non-denominational, and I'm telling this guy I just met seconds before all the intimate details of my life, things I'm reluctant to admit to myself.
|This is me in Estes Park during the mens' retreat|
The good news is that getting a job now will probably be easier than ever. Not only are there plenty of opportunities --Kaiser is adding 500 IT jobs, I read (that's a LOT!)-- I just don't care anymore. I saw a six month contract job doing god knows what god knows where making just a few bucks less than what I'm making now. The shifts started at 5AM and were all over by 7PM.
Sign me up for the early one!