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Saturday, November 27, 2010

Honeysuckle Rose

Note to law enforcement officers across the country:

You will find pot on Willie Nelson's bus.

So quit looking for it. Leave him be.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Who Is This Media Person You're Talking About?

There was a time when Republicans were the party of "personal responsibility" and high expectations. Of course, that time was before Sarah Palin came onto the scene.

Here she is doing her "whining about the media" thing on Facebook:
If the media had bothered to actually listen to all of my remarks on Glenn Beck’s radio show, they would have noticed that I refer to South Korea as our ally throughout, that I corrected myself seconds after my slip-of-the-tongue, and that I made it abundantly clear that pressure should be put on China to restrict energy exports to the North Korean regime. The media could even have done due diligence and checked my previous statements on the subject, which have always been consistent, and in fact even ahead of the curve.
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.

Most fair-minded people, even the ones who can't stand you, recognized this as a slip of the tongue. It was funny because it played into the idea that you're an ignorant hick (an idea, I should remind you, that you have done very little to dispel).

However, since "the media" doesn't have ears, they can't listen. Since "the media" doesn't have eyes, they wouldn't have noticed anything. Since "the media" doesn't have arms, they can't do "due diligence."

Oh, and here's the thing that you should really get through your head, Sarah, considering you seem intent on running for president or something: When you fuck up, it's not the media's fault.

"The media" does not control what's coming out of your mouth. And if you can't control what's coming out of your mouth, maybe you should just shut it.

In Case You Forgot...

Rush Limbaugh is an asshole.

Here he is going crazy on Obama's Thanksgiving message. Imagine Rush rolling his eyes as he says this:
"The Indians are minding their own business. We were incompetent idiots. We didn't know how to feed ourselves. So they came along and showed us how, and that's what Thanksgiving is all about."
Notice the unmistakable "us versus them" language, which is even stranger when you consider that the "us" in this case refers to the English settlers in the Plymouth Colony, none of whom were born in this country and none of whom survived the next 150 years to see the founding of America.

But they were white, English speakers...so I guess that makes them more "us" than those brown fuckers with the funny words.

Another history lesson from Rush:
"Every cliche that is wrong about Thanksgiving shows up in his proclamation. The Pilgrims show up at Plymouth. The Indians had been there for thousands of years. We get off the boats. We don't know how to feed ourselves. The Indians show us how. They shared their skill in agriculture, which helped the early colonists survive and whose rich culture continues to add to our nation's Heritage."
Let's examine the "wrong cliches" here:

The Pilgrims show up a Plymouth. This is true. Before that, the Pilgrims tried to settle in the Netherlands, but that didn't work because they had trouble integrating into Dutch society. So they split for America, where the Indians had indeed been for thousands of years. The Pilgrims did get off the boats. I'm sure they knew how to feed themselves, but this knowledge didn't prevent half of them from dying during that first winter.

The Indians did help the early colonists survive, not only by showing them agricultural techniques but by providing them with crops unfamiliar to Europeans. I know, I know, the whole Columbian Exchange thing is a cliched myth, too.

"We" (ie, the white English-speaking people of European descent) didn't need help from no stinking Indians! The half that lived through that first winter would have eventually figured out to farm in New England. "Yeah, thanks, Squanto, but we don't need your corn, your potatoes, your squash, your pumpkins, and your domesticated turkeys. We're doing just fine with our wheat and cabbage..."

I mean, it's ridiculous. And even more ridiculous? The sycophantic eagerness of Rush listeners to accept the bullshit. Witness:
CALLER: I am the father of 11 Rush babies, and one thing that we love about you is the historical perspective that you provide and --

RUSH: Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

CALLER: -- for al the historical information you give us.
Um, see that's your first mistake, caller. You're getting your "historical information" from Rush Limbaugh instead of a history book.

What's the Latin phrase for "Consider the source?"

Small Potatoes

My brother, a big fan of Tom Tancredo, attended the big Tancredo-Arellano debate last Tuesday. I know what you're thinking...who the hell is Arellano? He's the "Ask a Mexican" guy from the Village Voice papers. (Ours here in Denver is called Westword.)

It seems to me that Tancredo's latter day career has been defined by a gradual erosion of stature. He used to be a sitting Congressman. Then he became a fringey, one-issue candidate for president. That didn't work, so he went for a hastily-arranged run for the governorship of Colorado.

And now he's debating the "Ask a Mexican" guy.

My brother says Tancredo schooled Arrellano, and since I only skimmed through the transcript, I can't dispute that. But let's just say that my bro is right.

Big deal. A guy with a record of meaningful defeats should not get too excited about a pointless victory.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Chris Henry Lives!

Well, pieces of him do.

When it became clear that Henry wasn't going to survive, his mother decided to donate his organs.
Very quickly, Polk, Arnold, Benton, and Elliot were informed that their transplants would be happening. Polk received a kidney, Arnold received a pancreas and a kidney, Benton received a liver, and Elliot received two lungs.
Pretty remarkable, no?

Thanks, Asshole

Another thing to be thankful for:

The speed trap set-up by the Arapahoe County Sheriff's office on I-25 this morning. Because finally someone is doing something about the scourge of early morning Thanksgiving Day speeding...

Thankful I'm Not Armed

This is only my second day back on the night shift and guess who's been bugging me already?

Yep, that fucker again. May someone undercook his turkey and piss in his stuffing.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Always Thinking

In the new show The Walking Dead, there was a character who was hand-cuffed to a pipe and left on a roof. I won't go into detail about how he got there. All you really need to know is that there's a guy handcuffed to a pipe on a roof and there are zombies coming to eat him. The key is lost. But there is a hacksaw.

Of course this guy is going to cut his hand off to escape. This is why the writer got rid of the key and introduced a hacksaw.

The way the show reveals all of this is actually quite well done, but you can still see it coming a mile away.

A more realistic treatment would have been less predictable and no less horrible.

You're handcuffed to a pipe on a roof. All you have is a hacksaw, and just for the sake of argument, let's say it's too dull to cut through the handcuffs. What do you do? Start sawing at the wrist?

Why?

Seriously, why would you cut off your whole hand when simply cutting off your pinky will do? Start at the web between the fingers and rip downward, just shear off that whole pinky area*. It really should be enough to slip out of the handcuffs and escape the zombies.

The best part? When you're done, you're only down one finger not five.

(My Granny had a similar injury and, trust me, it was nowhere as debilitating as missing a hand.)

Assume a Can Opener

Ruth Marcus in the Washington Post on the TSA controversy that's been blowing up:
The marginal invasion of privacy is small relative to the potential benefit of averting a terrorist attack.
Woah, woah, woah.

Um, when was the last time airport screeners averted a terrorist attack? Now if you ask me, you can't take something that has never demonstrably happened (TSA screeners catching a terrorist) and act like it's the norm.

I have to say, it's amusing to me that this is the big topic of the week. I was anti-TSA before being anti-TSA was cool. The proof. And I quote myself:
I walked it off, fuming and mumbling to myself like Yosemite Sam. My family was of little help. I heard things like, "It's for your own safety," and "It's a minor inconvenience."

I was too mad to make my case. A minor inconvenience, for what purpose? Safe from what? Breast milk and bottled water? Ladies with shampoo in their baggage? Dudes in wheelchairs? Digital cameras in the same tub as laptops?

Fuck that. I'll take my chances.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Slayer Christmas

The guy who made this video insists that he programmed his Christmas lights to Slayer, but I think it's pretty obvious this is an animation of still photos edited together to a Slayer song.
Still, it's pretty cool. Someone should do this for real.

Or at least animate wind in the trees and a car driving past to make it a less obvious fake.