Friday, August 06, 2010

Did You Turn It Off and On Again?

It really shouldn't surprise me how many projectionists are so dumb, ignorant, and useless. Every Friday I find myself explaining the basics of electronic devices to the retarded.

Yes, it needs to be plugged into a hot outlet.
Yes, it needs to be turned on.

If it's not, do not be surprised if it doesn't work.

(The title is an allusion to a running joke on The IT Crowd. It's the first question Roy asks. Sometimes it's the only question he asks.)

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Sports Talk

It's official:

Coach McDaniels is a fucking amateur. Forget about the drama of the last two seasons. Let's just look at off-season practice this year. Two running backs, injured. Our star defensive lineman? Injured, maybe out for the season.

My theory: Wanting to prove himself after two years of mis-steps (and possibly knowing the clock is ticking), Coach is pushing his players hard. Too hard. They're getting hurt, and later on in the season, as the grind of weekly football starts to take its toll, they're going to be dropping like flies, physically and mentally.

Do us all a favor, Pat Bowlen, and fire this asshole.

In basketball news, the Boston Celtics have decided to be the team that plays Rent-a-Shaq this year. With each new team, Shaq becomes more and more of a joke as a player. He's the only player still around from my high school days, so there's a certain nostalgia for him, but I kind wish he would just go away. Quit. Go be on TV.

If he has to join a team, why not join a team that isn't already headed towards the Championship. It's almost like he just wants to be along for the ride.

Speaking of quitters, Brett Favre is retiring. Or not. Who knows? If the football season starts and he's not with a team, then I'll believe it. His retirement has been kind of a joke, and now that I think about it, his career is too. He'll always be known as the guy who stayed in too long. Great start, but he finished it up, bouncing around the league, rent-an-old-man.

Kind of like Shaq.


True story:

The other day I was driving through my friend Stacey's old neighborhood and it occurred to me that it's been a while since I've talked to her, even longer since I've seen her.

And I thought, man, I need to reach out to Stacey and see how she's doing. Not only do we need to get caught up (she finally passed the bar exam) but she owes me lunch and has my Six Feet Under DVD set.

Now here's where it gets weird. So weird that it floored me.

Not even a half hour later, my phone rings. I thought it might have been my brother, maybe my Uncle Jim, but when I pulled my phone out of my pocket, it was Stace!

Seriously, what are the chances?

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

The Mystery Solved

Early in the morning, late at night, I see my neighbors out on their porch with their laptop. I always thought they might have been stealing my Wi-Fi, but today...

I realized they have no air conditioning.

It started raining a while ago (it's pouring right now) and they came out into the yard, holding out their arms and looking up into the sky, just taking it in. It was probably the coolest they've been all day.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010


The Weekend

My niece came over and spent the night on Saturday. I took her to breakfast on Sunday and then we went to the park. We watched movies, jumped on the tramp, colored, played with her Tiggers, wrestled, and talked. It's the kind of thing that rejuvenates your soul.

Then my nephew came over on Monday. He helped me get a truckload of mulch and then we went to the movies. (Dinner for Schmucks. One word review: meh.) He kicked my ass at video games and tried to bribe me into buying him another. And he plays this really weird, really complicated version of slug bug.

Not only do you have to call out "Slug Bug!" but you have to identify the color and say, "No slugbacks." If you don't, you get hit. Slugbacks? What the fuck is that?

Hell's Kitchen

I love this show. Gordon Ramsay is a smug, self-righteous, verbally abusive snob. But I've been thinking about it, and the world needs people like him. Not because there's a dearth of smug, self-righteous, verbally abusive snobs, but because his standards are so high they're almost unreachable. Tonight's the new episode. I have no idea when it's on, but I'm going to watch it on Hulu.


Has been a nightmare. Fucking cancer, man. Denise is off to New York to wind it down with her family. She said the doctors injected some of her cancer cells into a mouse and the mouse died. Of cancer. We have a new guy starting tomorrow and they're going to try and hire another one soon. Then they said they'll get some contractor in there to do the silly work. We'll see how that goes. Our luck with the new guys isn't so great. Know anyone in the Denver area that needs a job? Send em to me.

What's the Matter with Rand Paul?

Rand Paul explains why I think he's foolishly naive about how the world really works. He's a libertarian, so of course there's going to be a certain amount of "if only" involved in his thinking. (If only the government didn't have all these rules, if only people were rational, etc.)

But here it is, folks. The naivete out front and center:
"Is there a certain amount of accidents and unfortunate things that do happen, no matter what the regulations are?" Paul says at the Harlan Center, in response to a question about the Big Branch disaster. "The bottom line is I'm not an expert, so don't give me the power in Washington to be making rules. You live here, and you have to work in the mines. You'd try to make good rules to protect your people here. If you don't, I'm thinking that no one will apply for those jobs. I know that doesn't sound..." Here he stumbles, trying to parse his words properly but only presaging his campaign misstep.
Oh, give me a break. Step outside your libertarian mental cocoon and think about how this would actually work.

Are elected leaders in Washington incapable of consulting experts? No. They do it all the time. Some members in Washington become experts on certain topics. Indeed, Paul could choose a completely different route entirely here, the route of "Hey, send me to Washington. I'll be your expert." But no, he'd rather leave the rule-making to the locals.

Oh, wait, sorry...not the locals. Because in a libertarian paradise, it's never an egalitarian utopia. The rules will be made by the mining companies, who historically have proven their commitment to forgoing profit in favor of safety. ( I have that precisely backwards. Safety is expensive and Mr. Mining Company Executive needs a new sportscar.) They're the experts here.

And the "no one will apply for them" bullshit? Give me a break. I can see it now. A dirt-poor Kentucky coal-miner sitting on the porch of his trailer, looking down at his town. Years ago, the town was owned by the mining company. You bought your house from the mining company and all your groceries, too! You never made enough money to get out of that situation, but that's alright. Big Brother Mining Company is going to take care of you.

Of course, someone said "Hey, that's messed up" and the government passed laws shutting that crap down...

So I ask, Seriously, Dr. Paul? You want to go back to the days when miners set the rules? Um, no thanks.

Monday, August 02, 2010

Hey, Wait a Minute...

That wasn't 90 days.

California's justice system is a joke. The article provides a reason and it has nothing to do with special treatment for celebrities:
The jail facility in Lynwood has hosted several starlets, including actress Michelle Rodriguez and Hilton. Lohan spent 84-minutes there in 2007 after being sentenced for her original case.

Rodriguez served 18 days of her 180-day sentence and was released in January 2008. Hilton served 23 days in 2007 after she was caught driving twice on a suspended license while on probation for reckless driving.

At the time, inmates serving time for nonviolent offenses were serving about 10 percent of their sentences; that figure has now increased to about 25 percent, Whitmore said.
If non-violent inmates are routinely serving only 10% to 25% of their sentences, their sentences are 75% to 90% percent too long.

Seems to me California's penal code needs some revision. Either commit to the police state entirely and build more prisons so we can lock these non-violent scofflaws up for the duration of their sentences...

Or they need move their sentencing guidelines more in line with their capabilities.