Saturday, May 08, 2010

This Is What I've Been Saying

Don't be afraid of this guy's accent. He's speaking some truth:
"We're entering an era of massive volatility and you as an individual investor just simply don't have the risk appetite to deal with that volatility."
It's a nice way of saying you're not big enough to play this game.

Friday, May 07, 2010

On Faking Ethnicity

The other day I had a flash of genius. I was pulling out of my driveway and I spotted some door-to-door evangelists a few houses down. My first thought was, "Whew, I left at the perfect time."

They would have been at my door in minutes.

My second thought was, next time a door-to-door evangelist comes by, I should just pretend to be Jewish.

If you're an atheist, you become a project for them. If you're already a believer, they try to tell you about why their church is better. But if you're Jewish...there's not much convincing that can be done.

Then I thought, maybe I should get a mezuzah. Some of the more intelligent door-to-door evangelists might recognize it and not even bother to knock. That would be the optimal scenario.

But then again, some people might not know what that is or what it means. (I didn't, until I saw Curb Your Enthusiasm.)

All in all, the door-to-door evangelist problem isn't bad enough that I need to get a (fake) mezuzah, but I will be using the Jewish thing for sure.

Say It Ain't So, LT

Lawrence Taylor was a great linebacker. He's not a great man.
NEW YORK - Disgraced gridiron great Lawrence Taylor admitted paying for sex at a suburban Holiday Inn where police say he raped a 16-year-old runaway, federal prosecutors said Friday in a criminal complaint against the girl’s alleged pimp.

And don't even try the "They told me she was 19!" defense. You didn't know? C'mon, LT, you knew something was up. Every hooker is 19 years old, and that's especially true for hookers in their 30s and hookers that are underage. It's a real easy way to stay out of trouble for the hooker-going types. If she says she's 19 and she looks like she might be 29, you're good. If she says she's 19, and kinda looks like it...she's underage.

Notice it's not 18, which implies that last week, she could have been 17. It's always 19. 19 means they've had a year to perfect their skills, whether it's on the stripper pole or at the Holiday Inn. If a hooker tells you she's 18, it's nothing but bad. Not only is she underage, but she's not a very good liar either.

Now how is it that I can know these things, having never employed a hooker, and LT, a seasoned veteran of the hooker game, has no idea? That's easy.

Criminal charges make you stupid. LT's been here before. Only now, "I don't know where those drugs came from, officer," has been replaced with "I didn't know she was 16!"

Yeah, but I bet it wasn't that big of a surprise, was it?


The Machete trailer linked in the below post is no longer available "due to a copyright claim by Twentieth Century Fox." It makes sense on a certain level. It's possible that the trailer was leaked to Youtube unofficially, or it was just meant to be released on Cinco De Mayo. There's probably a very valid reason why it was yanked.

But on the other hand, it's a movie trailer. The trailer. An advertisement that says "Go see my movie." No doubt in the coming months, the studio is going to expend a certain amount of monetary resources, perhaps even millions of dollars, to promote this movie, paying for TV spots and posters and prime real estate in the trailer reels of upcoming films.

Where does the guy who uploads it to Youtube and the guy who posts it to his blog fit in this picture? As an uncompensated "street team" that if not harnessed, could at least be tolerated?

Hell no.

Better to yank the vid and clutter up some guy's blog with a non-working video link, right?

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Welcome to the Western World

I have to say, this has some tasty riffage. It's the rare Karma to Burn song with lyrics and a (guest) singer. Pretty damn good stoner rock, if ya ask me.

I'm a Farmer and I Love Em!

I'm looking forward to picking up this DVD, coming out sometime this month. Clutch has been one of my fav bands for years.

A Text

I have it on good authority that I'm a dick. Here's the proof:
You are a dick.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

It's true...I am. Aren't we all?

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Don't Mess With Jesus

Phillip Pullman's new book, The Good Man Jesus and The Scoundrel Christ sounds interesting. From a review:
According to Pullman's fable, Mary gives birth not to a single son but to twins: Jesus and Christ. Jesus is a firebrand preacher with a revolutionary message but no time for showy miracles. His brother, who serves as his chronicler, is a darker, more introspective figure, ready to provide a distorted version of events that will lay the basis for the Gospels and eventually lead to the foundation of the church. Those looking to find grounds for offense won't be disappointed: the Annunciation in Pullman's story is, in fact, a seduction; the Resurrection is a stunt. To compound the injury, Pullman suggests that in some respects his words may be closer than the Bible's to what Jesus would have actually said.
I toyed with a similar idea a few years ago, writing an alternate history of Jesus, not as two people, but as a kind of prankster and con artist who got in over his head and executed by the Romans, mostly for being a dumbass. Jesus as charlatan, basically.

No miracles, no coherent ministry, no followers (just dupes), and no glorious resurrection. He might have even had a drinking problem and a screw loose. He definitely had a tumultuous relationship with his on-again, off-again girlfriend, Mary Magdalene.

I thought the idea was funny, plausible even, but I did recognize it would be too irreligious for most people. You can make action movies out of the Greek myths, but when it comes to Jesus, you've always gotta play him straight.

Like when Jesus invented the table in The Passion of the Christ...

Albacore, Albatross, Whatever

Someone needs to watch every episode of The Sopranos and catalog all the malapropisms used on the show.

For example, in a flashback sequence, Tony Soprano's father says, "It's like an albacore around my neck!"

Which, of course, is a reference to The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, only in the Coleridge poem, it's an albatross not an albacore.

Drill, Sucker, Drill

This comment on this post was brilliant:
All of a sudden, the Governors who accused Obama of too much Government interference in private enterprise, now say he isn’t interfering fast enough. These same Governors wanted to secede 10 days ago. They wanted no stimulus money. No Government help whatsoever. This spill is yet another mess caused by someone else that President Obama has to clean up.

From the way I see it, we're dealing with disingenuous hypocrites here. (Big shock, eh?)

The "drill, baby, drill" crowd told us the tree-huggers were full of shit. "We don't have to worry about big oil spills. We have technology and expertise and the profit motive to keep us in check, not to mention God and the Republicans on our side."

And yet, when the oil does spill, what do they say? The government's not doing enough.

I agree! They should have told BP to install fucking a remote shut-off valve like they have in every other industrialized country. Dingers.

Dumb Reasons to Hate

I work with a guy who lost interest in The Sopranos when, during a marital spat, Tony Soprano moved out of the house and into a bachelor pad. (If I remember correctly, he was staying at his mother's empty house with Artie Bucco, who was also having marital problems.)

My co-worker still talks about the betrayal. "He's a mob guy. He'd go to a hotel, not some bachelor pad."

Maybe in real life, but did you forget that it's a TV show? Of all the reasons to hate the Sopranos, this is the best he can do? He can accept the "mob boss in therapy" thing, but the second Tony Soprano moves in with Artie...that's totally unbelievable!

I wouldn't find this so annoying if this wasn't the same guy who tells me about all these stupid anime movies he watches. "It's set in a girl's school and all the girls have special powers and they have to fight these bosses." O Rly? You can watch the girl school with special powers show, but not one of the best shows on television?

Oh well, I guess there's no accounting for taste. Or lack thereof.

Snark of the Day II

Courtest of No More Mister Nice Blog:
Folks, the hand of the free market just ripped a wellhead to pieces and is completely screwing over the Gulf. It's going to cost several billion dollars to fix. I'm sick of people saying that the magical free market will be responsible and keep anything bad from happening. Well guess what? The Upper Big Branch Mine disaster, this oil rig nightmare, and our economy back in 2008, they all got "fixed by the magical free market" where deregulation caused untold damage to our economy and hey, even killed people.

And now the Republicans are demanding that the government "fix the problem"? Screw you guys. Government is a lumbering vampiric dinosaur to you morons until you need the government to solve your problems for you. Then it's "I demand the government does something about this!" And it's the same Teabagger assclowns doing the loudest yelling and screaming.

Hypocritical assholes. Jindal, get your ass in gear and a mop and bucket and clean up your own mess. State's rights! Tenth Amendment! Don't Tread On Me! Hey Teabaggers? Get out there on the coast and help him since you hate the federal government intruding in a state matter so dearly, you hate Washington's beltway interference. Start scrubbing.

Government is the "greatest evil of all" until a real evil pops up, an environmental disaster caused by corporate greed. Suddenly for you guys it's nanny state time. Now you need the government's help. Now it's government's responsibility to look after your needs. Now it's time for the federal government to spend taxpayer money to help you. Now, the folks in Washington are needed instead of illegitimate tyrants who need to be deposed by a Second American Revolution.
Fucking Bobby Jindal. Is this guy just a stuffed shirt or what?