Saturday, August 16, 2008

How to Avoid Long Lines and Cover Charges at Clubs

Just pretend to be a DJ.

Learn how to hack at

The Kids

Normally I'd be working today, but I switched days with another guy so I could hang out with the kids. The dude on the right is my soon-to-be-deadly-with-the-sleeper-hold nephew Scott and the two feet of cuteness next to him is Angelina, face smeared with Chef Boy-R-Dee.
One day...children everywhere will thank-a me.

Urban Gardening

While I was out and about yesterday, I passed by this amazing garden. I spotted the sunflowers first, seeing as they were 10 feet tall and the heads were about a foot wide.

I actually turned around, got out of the truck and snapped this photo. I almost wanted to knock on the door and tell them what an amazing job they did. If everyone did this, the only food crisis we'd have is grocery stores going out of business.

Friday, August 15, 2008

War Pigs

"Feels good, don't it?"
"Yah, feels excellent. In Russia, people name their children after me now."
"Who said war was hell? hehe Hey, got any Cubans?"

My Man

Obama rides a crest of hope.
John Kerry wishes he looked this good in the water.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Some More Garden Pics

I meant to post these earlier, but I had to work today and never got around to it.

You've probably seen this view before, but now more of it is in bloom.

And here's my other flower area. Last year I just had stuff growing in the tires and set all my pots around it. This year I decided to open it up a little more and establish some perennials. I expect this will be even better next year.Some pansies. Black, like my heart.This is a pretty good view of the morning light.And finally, my sunflowers are finally blooming. (Yeah, I must have got something on the lens there.)

No Convention Speech For Me

In my inbox today:
Dear James --

We've been amazed by the number of people expressing interest in attending Barack's acceptance speech on the final night of the Democratic National Convention here in Colorado.

Unfortunately, there are only a certain number of seats in the stadium, and we cannot fulfill every Coloradan's request to attend the event.

Due to the high demand for Community Credentials, you have been placed on a wait list.
Is this because I didn't volunteer for the campaign?

Yeah, Boy

Looking good...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Praying For Rain

When I heard about Focus on the Family's web video asking people to pray for rain during Obama's speech at the Democratic National Committee, I wanted to laugh. After watching the video, I think I can safely say that laughter was the intent.

There's a bit of Andy Rooney in this guy as he asks if it would be wrong to ask people to pray for rain.
Of course, it's not wrong.

At least that's what my garden tells me.

I guess the larger question I'd ask is, why stop at rain? Why not ask for fire and brimstone too? Why not ask for a surgical lightning strike, right on the podium, right as he starts his speech? Hell, why not ask that Jesus return already and set the world straight like he's been promising to do for two thousand years?

In the ancient world, civilizations took up new gods because they were powerful, because they could get things done. If Yaweh hadn't split the Red Sea and drowned the Pharaoh's army, it's doubtful the ancient Hebrews would have been so amenable to his one-God only covenant.

If after his vision, Constantine had suffered a major defeat at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge, it's unlikely he would have rallied his empire around the cross.

I suppose that it's politically incorrect in the modern world to ask God to smite your enemies. But asking him to rain on their parade?

That's Focus on the Family for you, proponents of a weak, petty God that scares no one, does nothing useful, and whose Earthly influence stops and starts with the weather.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Ignominious Stories

The other week, I recorded a StoryCorps session with my Mom for NPR and the Library of Congress. Until the day, I didn't really know what it was all about.

Here's what they say about it on their website:
By recording the stories of our lives with the people we care about, we experience our history, hopes, and humanity. Since 2003, tens of thousands of everyday people have interviewed family and friends through StoryCorps. Each conversation is recorded on a free CD to take home and share, and is archived for generations to come at the Library of Congress. Millions listen to our award-winning broadcasts on public radio and the Internet. StoryCorps is one of the largest oral history projects of its kind, creating a growing portrait of who we really are as Americans.
I should have researched the concept a bit more, because I was unprepared and confused and actually my voice was pretty hoarse. I haven't listened to our CD, but I'm sure it's terrible.

It's still a cool idea and I'm glad to be a part of it with my Mom.

Later on, after dinner at Tokyo Joe's, we sat on the 16th Street Mall for a smoke. Now it was my turn to start telling stories.

I told her about one night a couple years back when I went to dinner to celebrate a friend's birthday. It was one of those trendy Mexican places, a place called Lime, lots of sour cream and weird cheese, with strange gourmet sauces. We had a few shots of Patron, then snuck out to the alley to smoke a joint on our way to the Rock Bottom Brewery on 16th and Champa. My stomach started rumbling and I broke off from the parade to find refuge on the concrete wall outside a bank. It has iron work now, but back then you could sit on it.

And, as I did, you can throw up next to it.

As I'm throwing up all this delicious Lime food, this homeless guy sitting a few feet away from decides it would be the perfect time to strike up a conversation...

Then another time, I was at the ESPNZone with this Peace Corps chick I was seeing. I had one beer, un cerveza, but I played this boxing game. (You don't have to watch the whole thing...I didn't.)

And I was kicking ass! I made it to the third-fourth round, I don't remember, but after it was done, I was exhausted.

We decided, once again, to go the Rock Bottom Brewery. But on the walk over there, I started to feel that familiar tinge, so I ducked behind a planter and keeled over, returning the Caesar salad I had just eaten to the earth. My date tried to console me, but I just growled, "Get away from me!" and cowered like a shamed beast, slurp dripping from the corners of my mouth. I was too sick to truly be embarrassed, it wasn't until much later that when I "ducked behind a planter" I had actually ducked into full view of a patio full of people who had just lost their appetite.

"I've puked on both sides of this street," I told her.

And had I not just spent 40 minutes in the StoryCorps trailer, I might have kept em to myself.

The Ass-Kicking

Earlier this week, my nephew got me in a headlock and almost choked me out.

This was the first time I was ever at risk of injury during our decades of wrestling sessions, and since I am getting older and he is entering his growth spurt years, this is a cause for concern.

He has always been at the mercy of my restraint, considering my strength and size advantages, but it appears that those days are numbered.

I will have to work on my defense.



So in an effort to flip the script, I now make joke.

If you don't nibble on my tomatoes, I won't shoot you with my BB gun.

And yes, that is a joke. I shot a squirrel with my BB gun last year and he just looked at me like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

Then he ran up the utility pole and out of range.

Tough little rodents.

Credit Where Credit is Due?

"All I know is that Bush is up above 2,500 days since there’s been a terror attack on domestic soil. I think that’s an appreciable achievement and some people won’t even give him that."
- Dennis Miller

Count me among them, bud.

If we were to use the "no terror attack on domestic soil" criteria for ALL our presidents, then Bush doesn't look so hot.

Bush I, Reagan, Carter, Ford, Nixon, Johnson, Kennedy, Eisenhower, and Truman didn't have any terrorist attacks on domestic soil. Clinton had Tim McVeigh, who was certainly no Islamic jihadi.

I guess you could say that even Roosevelt escaped the "terrorist attack on domestic soil" considering that Pearl Harbor was more air raid than "terrorist attack" and at the time, Hawaii wasn't exactly "domestic soil."

So I'm supposed to give Bush props because he hasn't had another terrorist attack on domestic soil?

Also, Dennis Miller repeated that "most liberal member of Congress" trope about Obama. Come on, man. Obama's more liberal than Kucinich? He beats Teddy Kennedy?

Not only that, but he's more liberal than Senator John Kerry, Mr. Most Liberal of 2004? (Kinda weird how Democrats keep selecting the "most liberal" dude in the Senate, innit?)

Anyway, doing a little Googling, I found this:
On the Republican side, there are two remaining presidential candidates who are also members of Congress, Arizona Sen. John McCain and Texas Rep. Ron Paul. McCain missed too many votes to be included in the rankings; Paul ranked as the 178th most conservative member of the House of Representatives for the year.