Saturday, May 10, 2008

Phil Anselmo Rambling

I heard that Phil Anselmo was clean and sober, but he sure doesn't look it here. Get that man a breathalyzer and take a cup of his pee!
When I saw them last year, he seemed more coherent.

I Love My Dogs, But Where's My Bail Money?

Anyone with a passing familiarity with DMX shouldn't be surprised that he was recently busted for drugs and animal cruelty charges. After Michael Vick got busted, the next guy on the list of "Most Likely to Be Involved in Dog-Fighting" was DMX. And surely you didn't think DMX was the only rapper who didn't have something to do with drugs.

The thing that gets me about this is that DMX lives in Sheriff Joe Arpaio territory...apparently by choice...

I wouldn't even dump trash in someone else's Dumpster if I had to face the wrath of Joe Arpaio. That guy is an asshole. When it comes to punishment in Arpaio country, there's no such thing as "cruel and unusual."

A Chip Off the Old Bush

This kind of shit pisses me off.
Speaking at a news conference in New Jersey, Mr. McCain said he believed that comments made by a Hamas leader approving Mr. Obama’s candidacy were “a legitimate point of discussion,” and he went on to accuse Mr. Obama of agreeing to negotiate with the president of Iran, who on Wednesday referred to Israel as “a stinking corpse facing annihilation.”
This idea that we should allow foreign terrorists to influence our elections seems very dubious to me, and make no mistake, that's the door that McCain is opening.

Maybe we should just cancel the election, no? We could send ballots to Hamas, and whichever guy they like least, we'll make him President. Why even give Americans a say in the first place? Hamas say, America do, right?

I do have to say, though, that I must give Larry Rohter of the NY Times some props. He doesn't say that McCain is full of shit, but he does include this graph that makes McCain look like he's...well, full of shit.
An examination of Mr. Obama’s numerous public statements on the subjects indicates that he has consistently condemned Hamas as a “terrorist organization,” has not sought the group’s support and does not advocate immediate, direct or unconditional negotiations with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president.
Not only is McCain asking you to weigh Hamas' preferences in determining who to vote for, he is completely misrepresenting Obama's position.

McCain's distortions will be persuasive to some hardcore Republicans, no doubt. But I'm not going to pretend that it's a reasonable position. It's bullshit. Pure bullshit.

Hating the Game, So I'm Not Playing

After talking about the trials and travails of dating with a friend, I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm done with dating, perhaps permanently. At this point in my life, I just have no interest in playing the game.

I suck at it.

I'd be more successful if I was concerned with impressing people, but I just don't care what people think of me or why. Oh, sure, I want to be liked just like everyone else, but I'm not going to spend too much energy trying to create a false impression. I'm me, for better or worse.

And I've been around long enough to know I'm not what you're looking for anyway.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

The Art Museum

(Sorry the crappy formatting)

I went to the Denver Art Museum, which I blogged about not too long ago. I didn't see Linda, the sculpture of the sleeping woman, nor the big Impressionist exhibit they've got going on, but I haven't been in a while and when it's been like that, you just gotta go.

I haven't been, in fact, since the museum had been Liebskind'd. I'm not sure what to make of the museum's new architecture. It looks all shiny and new and exciting and futuristic and stylish, but then again, I'm looking at it with fresh eyes. As I walked, I wondered what it would look like in 20 years...50 years. Tastes will change, no doubt, but human nature probably won't.

And we waste no time condemning the old ways as soon as we find new ways, and the kind of architectural acting out, the revolting against the known and comfortable, that Daniel Liebskind is known for may not have much appeal. What are the chances that in the future his sharp, asymmetrical buildings will be regarded as vulgar remnants of naive idealism and undisciplined, wasteful energy?

Who knows?

One of my favorite things about the art museum though is the Pre-Columbian floor. I'm a sucker for Pre-Columbian anything, but especially the art. I was hoping to see some Anasazi stuff, but if they had any, I didn't see it. They did have plenty from the Maya, the Aztecs, the Mixtecs, the Toltecs, the Olmecs, the Nazca, and the Inca. The Anasazi, from right in our backyard? Nah.

I am curious, though, how they got this stele into the collection. A thousand years ago, this thing was a big deal. Some artist or artists labored over it for hours, carving the figure and the hieroglyphs, and then after it was done, it was erected and for a while, it was probably pretty important. It's broken now and eroded by time, its significance a mystery.

Here's another one.

This piece comes from the Asian floor, a story-teller's box from India, with flapping panels elaborately decorated with a story. If I were verse in Indian mythology I could probably tell you the story, but I'm not. I imagine myself as a child, though, sitting around the box as the story teller weaves his tale.

And finally, the God of Terror!


You know where you can plant your tulips, right?
Right on my ass!

You have to admit. That's tight. All the purple. You've got the dark velvety ones, the lavender girly ones. I like it!

I hope they naturalize.

Cobras in the Grass

Little did Uncle Jim know, but an unfortunate encounter with a garden hose in his nephew's Ghetto Garden would trigger a flashback to his Marine Corps days of wrestling cobras in the jungles of Thailand.

A snake can't bite you if it's dead.
-Marine Corps Axiom

The Streets

This picture was taken about an hour before my encounter with the cops. A street lined with pink blossoms, with the snow-capped Rockies barely perceptible in the distance. If you zoom in far enough, you might see a highrise downtown.

Transplant Successful, Doctor

The flower that wanted to be a weed has been moved.


Eva, you know I love you, but after looking at some of these pictures(some NSFW), the only thing I can think is "What the fuck?!"

Sucking on your toe? Some pink-toed mynx mashing your boobs with her feet? I'm pretty sure that in one picture, you're not sitting in that chair right. And what's with the hog tie pic?

What exactly are you trying to convey here? The decor is Popular Mechanics circa 1971, the hair is 60s mod style, and the poses are...well, just weird. I'm thoroughly confused.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

...And the Law Won

So I just got off the phone with Officer Dickhead's boss, Sergeant Cocksucker. (He called me.) He said they've prosecuted six or seven cases like this and when it comes to "crimes" like illegal dumping, they were told to handle it as theft instead of, you know, illegal dumping.

I wonder how many of the six or seven cases fought it...

I Fought the Law....

Last week I filed a formal complaint against the Aurora Police over their shameful handling of the Dumpster incident.

My complaint, with plenty of snark:
Yesterday Officer [Dickhead] and about 3 or 4 of "Aurora's Finest" heroically protected a Dumpster on Clinton Street from receiving unauthorized garbage. After receiving a complaint about the garbage dump, they swarmed my house and when they were unable to roust me, they proceeded to impound my vehicle. To justify this egregious act, Officer [Dickhead] then issued me a criminal citation for "theft," which allowed him to describe my truck as being used in a criminal act. It was clear to me from comments by the officers, however, that the towing and the citation was not for throwing trash in the wrong Dumpster (a minor offense at best) but because I didn't answer the door when they knocked. (Why they couldn't get a no-knock warrant, we'll never know.) I'm confident I'll be exonerated in court for, ahem, theft, but I find this abuse of power to be unconscionable and completely inappropriate. Surely the Aurora Police have better things to do. I know they do. I live in this neighborhood. A couple years ago, a guy was murdered in my alley. There are bigger problems here than Dumpster pirates.
Yes, I really did send that.

No, I didn't think the police would find it as funny as I did.

No, I didn't think it would help my case.

I just thought it would make me feel better. And it did.

Yesterday I got a response.

A sergeant from the Aurora PD sent me this:
As documented in criminal report 08-18751, Ofc. [Dickhead} responded to an illegal dumping complaint where the victim described the suspect and suspect truck, including license plate number, which left the scene. Ofc. [Dickhead] responded to the registered owners address and found the suspect truck. He tried to contact the registered owner of the truck to exhaustion, at which time he decided to impound the truck as evidence of the crime as authorized by Aurora City Ordinance 134-37(10). Ofc. [Dickhead} took the steps necessary to successfully conclude the investigation to a crime that the victim wanted prosecuted. It is not the officer's place, when there is a victim wishing prosecution, to decide what laws to enforce and not enforce depending upon the severity of the alleged criminal conduct. The issue is a criminal matter to be settled in court.
Apparently the police think I'm the type of idiot who is going to sit by as a prick cop tries to railroad me. But I'm not.

My response to the response:
A few clarifications:

"Ofc. [Dickhead] responded to an illegal dumping complaint." This he did, and promptly cited me for theft, not illegal dumping as provided for under Aurora Municipal Code Sec. 114-30(c). I am not a law enforcement professional like Ofc. [Dickhead], but I suspect that a code violation is not the same thing as a "crime," in which case the authorization to impound my vehicle under 134-37(10) does not apply.

As to this: "It is not the officer's place, when there is a victim wishing prosecution, to decide what laws to enforce and not enforce depending upon the severity of the alleged criminal conduct."

I find that laughably ridiculous. It's not the place of a law enforcement officer to decide what laws to enforce? Please don't insult my intelligence.

Ofc. [Dickhead] made it very clear to me that he had some discretion on how to handle the situation, the first option being a conversation between myself and the complainant to discuss the issue. However, after failing to contact me, Ofc. [Dickhead] "decided" to take the extreme course of charging me with a crime and impounding my vehicle. If it is "not his place" to make these decisions, then my complaint has merit and should not be dismissed so easily.

The impounding of my vehicle and subsequent criminal citation was not a reasonable example of good faith "law enforcement." It is an example of how cops abuse their powers: reacting punitively when displeased and conflating minor violations into criminal charges to justify strong-arm tactics. Ofc. [Dickhead] may not have violated the letter of the law, but he certainly violated its spirit.

I guess as a society we do what we must do to make our Dumpsters safe.
I should have signed it "See you in court, motherfucker" but I just closed with my name.

Just to be clear...I'm not proclaiming my innocence. If the city wishes, I'll plead guilty to illegal dumping and pay whatever fine they levy. But they didn't charge me with illegal dumping.

Instead they just picked a fight with the wrong dude.

Say It Ain't So, ScarJo

Today, I heard something on the news that filled me with despair: Scarlett Johansson got engaged to Ryan Reynolds.

Lame. That guy's too perfect --funny, good-looking, rich, ripped-- and that makes me suspicious. There's got to be some kind of trade-off there. He probably hurts small animals or maybe he illegally dumps trash.

When it comes to flaws, I think the absence of any flaws is probably the biggest flaw of all.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Bad Ideas With Good Intentions


As long as humans eat chickens, cows, and pigs...chickens, cows, and pigs will never go extinct. If we, through pangs of conscience, decide to just eat vegetables and grains, we'll be sending our domesticated food sources back into the wild. Where they'll be eaten anyway. For thousands of years, breeding has kept those species alive. Do you think natural selection will do the same?

Organic Food:

You might be convinced that pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers are bad things, especially when they are created in a lab at Monsanto HQ. But they are not. These things are essential to agriculture. Genetically modified crops? Corn has been "genetically modified" by human hands for thousands of years. Let's not pretend that growing wilted, bug-eaten lettuce makes us virtuous.

Protecting Copyrights:

Imagine if someone or some company had the copyright to the Bible. Would they sue churches for quoting from it? Would the Gideons have to start publishing science fiction novels? Would John want more money? Would Mark sue Matthew and Luke for ripping off his story?* And what would Jesus do?

* Bible scholar humor. Mark is the earliest gospel. Matthew and Luke came next, probably based on Mark, and John came last. True story.

Morning Nonsense

Hillary Clinton: Natural heir to the Bush Administration.

I don't pray...but if I did, I'd ask Jesus to give her decisive defeats in IN and NC tomorrow.

Oh, and go see Iron Man. It's good.

Monday Morning Thoughts

It's 5:00 in the morning and there's nothing to do. I finished watching the first season of The Riches and am left with two thoughts.

1) Eddie Izzard rulez. The only thing I can slam him for is giving up on his drag past and butching up his image to go all Hollywood, but that's more of a reflection on our culture than Izzard's integrity.

2) I never had any particularly positive feelings about Minnie Driver, but there's something about her portrayal of Dahlia Malloy that turns me on. I don't know what it is...but damn, girl.

Now I'm watching Dexter. And you know, I like it but I wish I would have been warned about the whole dismemberment thing. When the dismembered victims of the "Ice Truck Killer" started popping up, I was fine. Gross, but nothing I can't handle. But then there's the "Ice Truck Killer" victim who survives his dismemberment...

That shit really creeps me out.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Down With the Devil

This is one of the funniest prank calls I have ever heard. If you hang out with me enough, you might even hear me referencing the choice quotes.

"I'm a evil motherfucker, Joe."