Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Deal or No Deal

You know, I love rooting against the greedy people who play Deal or No Deal.

I love it when they turn down hundreds of thousands of dollars because there's a chance...just a smidgen chance...that they'll walk away with the million.

Yeah, right. Hardly ever happens.

But what does happen quite often is that the offer goes up...and when the million dollars seems out of reach...the offer goes down. I love that. See, you dummy? You could have had a quarter million bucks, but nooooooo...that just wasn't good enough for you, was it?

Now you get 10 grand, sucker. Goodbye, thanks for the ratings, see ya.

I wouldn't be a very good contestant on the show. As soon as the deal approaches the remaining principal on my mortgage, I'm taking the deal. Thanks. I may not be a millionaire, but so what? My house is paid off and now I can retire at 40.

Thanks, Howie. I'd shake your hand, but I didn't bring any Purell. Let's just pound it, huh?

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bonghits for Science

I managed to resolve my computer problems, but I am no less retarded special. You know what it was?

That damn heatsink again. I hate this heatsink, with all the complicated screw turns and nubbins that stick out. It took finesse to get it on, and apparently it takes just a bump to knock it off. Note to anyone thinking about upgrading to a Dual Core processor. Get yourself another heatsink. The one that comes with it is a piece of shit!

Anyway, Uncle Jim mentioned a couple articles he saw on I haven't visited that site in a while because, well, in the marketplace of ideas, they're like a women's shoe store to me. There's nothing on the shelves I want to buy.

I had almost forgotten how tabloidy Foxnews was, but one glance at their page reminded me. They even had Anna Nicole Smith (still dead, I hear) up next to an in-depth story about her tormented son's last days.

And here we are, two stories back to back about lung cancer.

First the one that says smoking a joint is like smoking 20 cigarettes.

O rly?
For the study, researchers interviewed 79 lung cancer patients in an effort identify the main risk factors for the disease, such as smoking, family history and occupation. The patients were questioned about alcohol and marijuana consumption.

In the high-exposure group, lung cancer risk rose by 5.7 times for patients who smoked more than a joint a day for 10 years, or two joints a day for 5 years, after adjusting for other variables, including cigarette smoking.
Interesting statistics, but taken with a grain of salt.

It's based on interviews, not lab work, so big deal. I'm not so retarded special that I think smoking pot is harmless. I mean, we know that smoking anything is pretty dangerous in the long run. So...tell me something I don't know.

The other study, which might have implications beyond bud smokers, is this one: Cow Poo Helps Reduce Chances of Developing Lung Cancer.

Smoke pot, you'll get lung cancer. Stuff bullshit up your nose, you might not. Which would you pick?

Yeah, I thought so. See ya at the cancer ward.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sofa King We Todd Did

I was wandering around without my helmet this weekend and got myself into trouble.

A few things I should not be allowed to do:

1) Own or use a cell phone. I thought I lost the thing, not for the first time, but no, it slipped out of my pocket and spent the weekend wedged invisibly in my chair at work, also not for the first time. When I thought I lost it, I resolved never to get another cell phone, dreading the year or so left on my contract. (Since I found the fucking thing, I guess I'll continue being a cellphone user...but I'm never signing another cell phone contract. And neither should you.)

2) Do not allow me inside of a computer. I think I know what I'm doing, but the truth is, I don't really. So when I noticed that hard drives were real cheap at Micro Center and said to myself, ah, hell, a new hard drive would be kinda nice, I thought for sure that I'd just get a new one, pop it in, boot the computer up and BAM. 320 gigs of new space just waiting for pictures of naked women.

But when you're me, things are never that simple. I got the hard drive in, got the computer booted up even. Only it doesn't like it when I copy data to it. I mean, it really doesn't like it. Try and do it, and you find yourself in the middle of a Little Britain skit.

Computer says no.

Then pbbblbtttt. The screen goes black and the sudden quiet - no fans, no mechanical whir - fills the room saying that not only did your computer shut itself off, but that you're an idiot for even trying to mess with it.

Oh the pain.

Updated: So here's the story. I had my new hard drive set as the master, and my other one, the one with, you know, my operating system, was set up as the slave. I changed a couple jumpers, swapped some of the cables, and so good.

I'm riding the bitch pretty hard to test it out, copying like 17 gigs of files all at once, downloading even more, and blogging all at the same time. I think I might have got her figured out.

Keep your fingers crossed.