3 Inches of Suck

MTV included this in 2007's Best Metal Videos, which further cements my belief that MTV doesn't know what they're talking about. It's baaaad.

Metal like this should be destroyed because it gives everything else a bad name.
Since the, ahem, vocals are indecipherable, here are the lyrics:

Feeling the march of the fury unleashed
Impaling the soldiers of God
Smell of sulphur hot on the wind
Left by the Goatrider's Horde
The thundering roar
Of the cloven hoof
The Goatrider's Horde
Descends with the storm
I am eternal
I walk the night
I am the reaper of souls
Cold iron blades
They cannot stop me
Where I am from no one knows
I am in command
Impervious to fire
Impervious to steel
Merciless vengeance
Dealt by their strike
Treachery stalking
Evil command
Cloven hoofed steed I ride
Armies of horns descend on the gates
Hatred burns their eyes

Ay, mi Dios! Mucho queso! No me gusta.

The guy who does the Death Grunt (not the guy who sounds like Rob Halford on helium) had to leave the band because he was doing too much damage to his throat. The drummer got fired for getting a fight with another drummer on the same bill. They suck so bad, all that is actually kind of funny.

If this is the future of metal, metal is dead.

The NFL's Most Bankable Second-Stringer

We were watching the NFL network at work earlier and during every commercial break, they played this EAS commercial featuring NFL "star" Brady Quinn.

Here's another one:

No doubt he's a pretty guy (and I'm not just saying that because of my man-crushes on NFL people, see Mike Nolan below) but he's the second string quarterback for the Cleveland Browns*. I don't want to say the guy is coasting on his looks...he was impressive in college...but if he had a bulbous nose, a sloped forehead, and actual teeth rather than veneers, I doubt he'd be the golden boy advertisers seem to think he is.

His starter in Cleveland, Derek Anderson, is young and a pretty good quarterback (2007 Pro-Bowl alternate good), so Quinn might find himself warming the bench for a while...unless he's traded or Anderson gets Bledsoed. And if that's the case, I think Brady Quinn is going to be more of an advertising golden boy than a football all-star. You know...the type of guy who usually gets the commercials.

(*In this Bronco lover's eyes, the Browns will immortally remain in my memory as the unfortunate recipients of The Drive.)

Today's Ear Worm

I was working out to Sepultura before I left for work and so I had this song in my head ALL DAY.
Those drums are infectious, man! And the riff at the 1:54 mark will peel your face off.

Since you don't want to be grunting and making guitar noises at work all day, I tried to think of something I could hum or sing softly to myself. This was the best I could do.

Why I Don't Have Ads On My Blog

Despite the few bucks it might bring in.

Of course, the main reason is that this blog isn't a commercial endeavor. It's not an enterprise. It's not my future or my meal ticket. It's just...me.

The other reason is that I don't want ads like this one I saw on Josh Marshall's Talking Points Memo blog.
Nothing says politics like a titty-popping ad for Maxim, right?

Not that I'm against titty-popping ads. Just that there's a time and place...

Mike Nolan's Still Got It

Last week during a football conversation with the guys at work, I made the mistake of saying that Mike Nolan (head coach of the San Francisco 49ers) was a good looking man. Whenever the NFL lets him, he wears a suit on the sidelines and he looks very dapper.

My co-workers willfully misinterpreted "Mike Nolan is a good looking guy" for "I wanna get into Mike Nolan's pants," and the jokes have been flowing ever since.

It doesn't bother me, really. I can take a joke. You get me with a good one, I'll even laugh at it. And there's no way these guys can out-gay me, so we'll see how long they have the stomach for it. Pretty soon it will be back to cracking safely heterosexual jokes about the hot chicks on Deal or No Deal.

(That show, by the way, is one of the dumbest things on television. Howie Mandel looks in the mirror every morning, tips back a drink and says, "I used to be comedian...now I'm Chuck Woolery.")

I Guess I am An Ultra-Liberal Leftist...

Or am I?

I took this test that I found on Just A Cool Cat's blog. I didn't like my answers (65% for Clinton and 60% for Kucinich) so I took it again, modifying the intensity of my answers. There was little change.

This strikes me as funny because despite pretty overt comments about my support for Obama, my Uncle Jim thinks I'm a closet Hillary supporter.

(I'm not, by the way. I already decided that if she gets the nomination, I'm not voting for her. Sorry, GOP. You're not getting my vote either. I would rather abstain.)

Actually I think this quiz is wrong...

American Gladiators Drinking Game

So for the last two days, we've had some hugely entertaining nights at work watching the new American Gladiators. It's cheesy and all the more hilarious because of it!

There's also an American Gladiators drinking game. Whenever Hulk Hogan uses the word "Unbelievable" you have to take a drink.

Make sure you bring a case of beer and your liver, cuz he says it a lot!

Friday Night Lights

I saw a crime scene on Friday night.

I was driving down Colfax Avenue and saw flashing lights up ahead. From a distance, I couldn't tell if they had just pulled someone over, not an uncommon occurrence on Colfax, or what, but as I got closer, I saw that the cops had blocked off the street with their cruisers, just on my side. I waited until the last moment to turn, and when I did, I noticed a few things all at once.

There was more than one cop car, two of them parked across the road, and maybe another on a side street. Numbered placards littered the blacktop, at a glance, a dozen of them. There was a lump in the road covered with what looked like a bloody sheet and a cop with a measuring wheel marking distances.

The next morning, I looked in both metro papers, the Denver Post and the Rocky Mountain News, and found nothing about a shooting or a murder or even an incident which would require exact measurements and evidence photographs. I checked out the websites of all the local news channels, KWGN, KCNC, KUSA, KDVR, KMGH. Nothing.

And so I am left wondering what happened.

The Corporate Body

On a related note, it occurred to me the other day after I discovered a mysterious bruise on my arm, that if the human body had been designed by a for-profit corporate entity, then this whole "healing" thing would have been scrapped even before prototype stage.

I can see the greedy fucks now. "Healing? Why do we need this healing stuff? Did you see the R&D numbers on that? It's going to take a million years just to develop and who knows how much that'll cost...then, after all that time and effort, we'll just be shooting ourselves in the foot. You mean to tell me that if a guy gets a bruise on his arm, it'll heal itself? He won't have to come to one of our licensed repair shops and pay a reasonable fee for a new arm? And now that you mention it, this whole lifetime warranty thing...that's just not going to work. As much as we want new customers, we want repeat customers too."

Yeah, if you left it up to the corporate fuckers, your body would cost a million bucks, break down after 5 years, and come in five eye-catching colors. And bruises wouldn't heal on their own.

The Truest Thing I Heard All Day

From Ian Welsh at Firedoglake:

"You get the behaviour you reward and America rewards the creation of bubbles."

Yes, yes, I know, greed is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind.

I go to the movies too, you know, and unlike most people, I even think Oliver Stone is a great film-maker. But even he doesn't believe that bullshit. It's also useful to remember that Michael Douglas's character in Wall-Street was the antagonist of the story and, in the end, he becames the disgraced target of an SEC investigation. Greed may be good, but Gordon Gecko was a bad guy.

Oh, and according to certain ecclesiastical authorities, greed is definitely not good. It's a crime against God. I don't believe in God, but I believe in that.

This Time

For some reason, I woke up with this song in my head. I was never a big Life of Agony fan. I did like some of the stuff they did on their River Runs Red record, which has This Time on it. I thought the vocals were a bit silly, a viking opera so to speak, but the style's not so bad when seen through the lens of the oh-so-popular death growl.

I'll take a viking opera over demonic grunting any day. Besides...behold the riffage!