Saturday, November 03, 2007

Great Lines From Bad Movies

I wrote that song for you. I'm gonna sing it at your funeral.

- The Punisher

* In Time, by Mark Collie

Just a Few Thoughts

I clicked on this story because the headline said Don't blame nursing for saggy breasts and well...I wanted to know who to blame. Now I know.

On a semi-related subject, maybe I'll have to watch Tyra Banks's show. Her subject: The vajayjay. (PS...I don't really get that word. Oh, I get the "va" party, but the "jayjay?" It's spelled with a G, dude. Why not call it a vaginny? One less syllable and it makes much more sense.)

Here's something you don't see everyday. A bank president so consumed by guilt for his many frauds that he does the honorable thing and kills himself. (I'm being facetious here. 9 times out of 10, suicide is the coward's way out.)

About ten years ago, I was all about Posh Spice. She was my favorite. But now...I'm down with Sporty. According to these myopic eyes, she's the only one who has gotten hotter over the years. The others started with varying degrees of hotness and they've leveled off. But's been all uphill with her!

Speaking of uphill, you got Dog the Bounty pulling an Imus. You know, my Mom likes (liked?) Dog and so do a lot of other people I know. I never had much use for him myself. He's always reminded me of the white trash that stumbles out of biker bars at closing time. I don't have anything against mullets, leather pants, or white people thinking they're an Indian because their grandma was 1/64th Apache or whatever.

But I do think it's hilarious that he's claiming he's not racist when he says something like this, "I'm not going to ruin my career because some nigger heard me say nigger." * Hey, you know what they say about character...character is what you do when no one's looking. So when the camera's are on, Dog's a decent guy. When no one's looking though...

You know what I'm sick of hearing about? The writer's strike. I don't care about the issues or what it means for the entertainment industry. Just hearing about it makes me wonder why writers even need a union. Come to think about it, why do highly paid sports celebrities need one either? A-Rod tells the Yankees he won't play for anything less than $350 million and that motherfucker needs a union? Please.

I'm all for organized labor, but do ballplayers and screenwriters even qualify as "labor?" They're highly-skilled, highly profitable endeavors that amateurs do for fun in their spare time! The market isn't going to use and abuse them like they would wicket-makers or grocery baggers. Unions are good at collective bargaining, and sports heroes and writers would do just as well negotiating on their own. That's my take on it.

Poor Don Vito. If you haven't read his sad tale, it's here.

*(Note to PC police: I thought about putting asterisks in the word to make it less offensive, but...fuck it. Putting pasties on those nipples doesn't make em any less naked.)*

*I sure have been thinking in footnotes a lot lately...

Friday, November 02, 2007

Another Reason I Can't Stand Britney

Let this be a reminder to the ladies...

You can spend $16,000 on clothes per month and STILL look like shit.

Plus $102K per month on entertainment expenses? Jesus fucking Christ...

Everyone I know manages to entertain themselves on much, much less. They've got, you know, bills to pay.

Oh I suppose I should give her a pass because she earned it. Yeah, by being a little jailbait skank. (You don't seriously think it was her music, do you?)

That's what I call "earning it."

At any rate, I'm not celebrating greed or conspicuous consumption fact, I'm denigrating it quite happily these days, so I raise a big middle finger to Britney and her loose ways (and yes, I'm talking about her pocketbook this time).

May the bitch go broke.

Simple Math

One of the big problems I have with right-wingers is their chronic dishonesty. I'm not talking about the garden-variety lies like "I am not gay" or "Iraq has WMD." I'm talking a more general, more insidious dishonesty in right-wing argument that wouldn't be so depressing if it wasn't so convincing.

From "intelligent design," which wasn't about religion - oh no - but about science, a dishonest claim that was shut down in Kitzmiller V. Dover Area School District.

And the Beauchamp affair, which the Malkinites try to claim is about media accuracy, even as they lie about signed recantations and pass off rank speculation as "journalism." If these Beauchamp haters were so interested in media accuracy, why are they ignoring more egregious examples of media dishonesty? Shouldn't they have more of a problem with Fox News, or say, the Weekly Standard? They should...but they'd have to have some kind of moral consistency that extends beyond protecting their own and vilifying the opposition, or for that matter, they would have to actually care more about media accuracy than idealogical purity.

The thing that takes the cake, though, is the torture debate. Let's be clear on something. Waterboarding is torture. It's always been torture. The US military has always considered it torture.* But now, there's suddenly some kind of wishy-washy "well, I'm not sure it's torture" thing going on...not because waterboarding has become suddenly acceptable, but because Bush & Co. think it's going to help us in the "War on Terror."

This is how the calculus should go:
Waterboarding = Torture
Torture = Bad (illegal, immoral, useless,'s bad, alright?)
Waterboarding = Bad
But because such simple mathematics clearly shows that the Bush torture regime is bad, the equation must be changed. Now it's more like this:
Bush = Good
Bush = Torture
Torture = Good
But instead of coming out and saying, hey, I'm pro-torture because Bush is pro-torture, it's "I'm pro-torture because there's a very unlikely possibility that torture is the only way we'll find out about the ticking nuclear bomb" or "water-boarding is little more than CIA-assisted swimming lessons." (I did not make that last one up. Some wingnut actually said that. Rachel Marsden was her name...look it up.)

Even the nominee for Attorney General is hovering in this "well, maybe waterboarding isn't so bad" gray area. He's called waterboarding repugnant, but can't bring himself to call it illegal. I suspect that if he's lucid enough to realize that waterboarding is repugnant, he's lucid enough to realize that it is also illegal...but the man who says that has no place in the Bush cabinet.

* (See what you can find on SERE training if you don't believe me. The first time I ever heard of waterboarding was when my Uncle Jim relayed some of his experiences at SERE, and that was a long long time ago.)

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Even Second-Class Citizenship Isn't Good Enough For You, Jose

I didn't watch the latest debate, but from reading through the punditry this morning it seems that the consensus is that Clinton stumbled when she voiced some support for a controversial drivers license program for illegal immigrants.

As we all know, I'm pro-immigrant and I can make your eyes go glassy by explaining the reasons why so I'll save that for another post.

But I do have one rhetorical question about the subject.

Would you prefer a) illegal immigrants driving without drivers licenses or b) driving with drivers licenses?

It just seems to me that if they're willing to cross the border illegally, live under an assumed identity to work, and flout all the other laws that apply to us "citizens" ...then they're not really going to be too worried about getting caught without a license. Right now, they don't have a choice. Either they get a drivers license through fraudulent methods, or they don't get one at all. Either way...they must break the law.*

How is that preferable to a system that provides a legally viable way to get a drivers license?

As I understand it, one of the reasons some people are so anti-immigrant is the lack of assimilation, and yet they advocate policies that almost guarantee that assimilation won't happen.

I can understand that we don't want to encourage more illegal immigration by being lenient, but on the other hand, we shouldn't fool ourselves that by being draconian immigrants will just go away or even stop coming. If we can't find it in our heart to grant these people second-class citizenship (which is degrading anyway), can't we at least give them some kind of legal (non-citizen) residency? Is that too much to ask?

If you want them to assimilate you have to let them.

* (Or take the bus...which I hope no one seriously suggests because that would be just stupid. You seriously expect a border crosser with a dead man's social security card in his back pocket to ride the bus because the state won't give him a drivers license? At that point, it's kinda late to expect the rule of law to prevail, am I right?)

Final Gardenblogging of 07

This past weekend, I spent quite a bit of time outside putting the Ghetto Garden to rest for the season. I dug out all the frostbitten tomato and pepper plants and threshed them for the compost heap. I laid out and buried the feeder line for my brand new comprehensive drip system. I collected the faded flowers from the marigolds and zinnias to use as seed for next year. I planted several dozen tulips. I bagged up all the potting soil from the various containers I had. That and a few hundred other odd little jobs...

In doing so, I was able to reflect on some of the lessons learned from this year's gardening experience:

The Drip System
For a garden as big and varied as mine, a drip system is absolutely crucial. Not only is watering by hand time consuming, but it's also horribly inefficient. Considering the sheer scale of the job, there is a tendency to overwater, which spoils plants into thinking they can't live through a dry period and depletes the resources in your soil. With the drip system, I anticipate watering deeper with less water and less evaporation.

No More Cherry Tomatoes
I grew several cherry tomato plants this season and they were all robustly productive, so productive that there was no way I could eat all of them. And if you've ever tried giving away bushels of cherry tomatoes, you'll know a surplus is more of a pain than a testament to your green thumb. If I do have a cherry tomato plant next year, it's going to be in a pot and not in the plot.

Only One Pumpkin Plant
The five I grew this year took over two whole beds, were thirstier than any of my other plants, and seriously...what can one man do with a dozen pumpkins? This year, I gave them all to my brother.

Seed Tape
For direct-sow plants like lettuce and carrots, no longer will I dig a trench, fill it with seed, then spend the next few weeks thinning them out. Next year, I'll use seed tape, insuring the proper spacing between plants. I don't have the heart to kill a seedling just because it's too close to another, but it must be done.

Cucumbers and Herbs
Next year I'll grow more cucumbers and herbs. I had probably five cucumber plants, but they were all of one type and I never had enough. As far as herbs go, I didn't grow enough cilantro or dill, and what I did grow was forced to fight for space in a single raised bed. Next year, I'll spread it around and grow several types of cucumbers.

Vegetables in Containers
Even if the seed packet says you can grow these cucumbers or these pumpkins or this variety of squash in containers...don't even bother. Containers are for flowers! (Tomatoes are alright, though, as long as they're determinate.)

Buy Some Haybales
Not for the goats I don't have or to sit on, but to provide straw for mulching. I used lawn clippings this year, which worked well, but with lawn clippings come all manner of seed: weeds, grass, and other. Straw is a much better alternative, thicker too.

And with that, I think next year's Ghetto Garden will be better than year's. If it is, I'm going to start charging admission.

Denver Is Still a Sports Town

Finally, some good news in Denver sports...

The Nuggets won their opener.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Pranks and Other Silliness

When I went into work this morning (last night) I had no idea that I was going to work the weekend, but when the boss asked, I was more than willing. The guy who works the nightshift on my days off has to go to his father's funeral in Belgium. So sure, I'll do it.

Another 30 hours of overtime? No problem! Another 90 hour work week though...yikes!


It was a sad weekend in Denver sad, I'm just now willing to talk about it. The Rockies, of course, were swept out of the World Series. Then the Broncos lost in OT on Monday Night. Actually, you know what...I still don't want to talk about it.

Here's what's interesting in Denver right now: Don Vito's trial. When asked for a comment, Don Vito said, "I dunno bleurhhaghh," in subtitles. He really is a dirty old man, that Don Vito.

Unrelated, but kind of related (Brando, Coppolla)... I watched Apocalypse Now again, well, the second half of it anyway. I found this exchange at the Do Long bridge absurdly hilarious:
Soldier: Goddamit, you stepped in my face.
Lance: (tripping acid) Thought you were dead.
Soldier: Well you thought wrong, dammit!
Why was I watching Apocalypse Now you ask? Because I was thinking about this line.

Here's something that's funny, but true. I know the victim of this prank phone call. A friend of mine found this on the internets and sent it to me, having no clue that I knew this Emily pizza manager lady who totally gets owned by a dude with a Jack Nicholson soundboard. (As far as I know, Emily has no clue she's famous on the internet.)

Next time I talk to her (she lives in MN now), I'm going to ask her, "Have you ever served in a forward area?" She probably won't get it, but I bet she'll remember that call.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

I Have Pink Toes

Last night I went to a Halloween party at my brother's house. I couldn't fit into my NASCAR pit crew costume anymore, so I threw on an over-sized Nuggets throwback jersey and told everyone I was Wilt Chamberlain. "I slept with so many women," I said, "God got mad at me, shrunk me down, made me white, and put me on the 1980s Nuggets."

Still, I must remind myself never to go to a house party where most of the people are in their early twenties or late teens. It's nothing against the youth...they just don't know how to party. I'm turning 31 in less than two weeks and not only did I feel like the oldest person in the room (which I probably was) but I just can't relate.

High school is a distant memory for me, not part of my recent history. I kept thinking, "When I was signing my mortgage documents, you were a sevie still trying to remember your first locker combination."

I heard one 19ish teenager talking about how her boyfriend stole her money and slept with another girl, but she still took him back...because when you're young and dumb you do things like that. You want to be forgiving and give second chances, not to mention to preserve "how things used to be," but even these naive good intentions can't overcome basic psychology.

Sorry, sweetheart. I know you want to show him how worthy you are of his affections, but you're just letting him get away with it. Don't be surprised when it happens again, alright?

Then about a half dozen stripper wannabes in Playboy Bunny costumes showed up. This doesn't sound like a bad thing, but it would have much more enjoyable if they weren't all complete bitches. Yes, ladies, you're all very cute, but personality-wise, you're running in third place behind a bag of hammers and the gum stuck under my shoe.* Don't you have some Pucker shots to do or something?

I will admit to some silliness on my part, but to give fair warning, this may be filed under the TMI category, so if you want to skip down to my footnote now, you will be forgiven.

My toe nails are now a bright pink.

Here's how it happened: While watching the Rockies game, this girl mentioned she shaved her feet. I expressed my wonderment and one thing led to another and we were comparing bare feet. Not only do my feet have a charming hairline, but they have character: They're as crooked as a lobbyist, and I am of course, deadly with the toes. At any rate, she asked if she could shave my feet, a strange request, true, but I said, "Sure, but only if you paint my nails too."

Might as well make my feets as dainy as possible, right?

Well, my feet weren't shaved, so the hairline is intact, but my nails were painted, and I must confess that, while it doesn't rise to the level of full-on fetish, I love it when a woman paints my toenails. (Last night wasn't the first time, nor even the second or third.) Don't expect me to explain it, because I'm not sure I can. Part of it is being pampered, part of it is the gentle touch. At any rate, fellas, if a woman volunteers to touch your should accept.

I endured, as is to be expected, a lot of "gay" remarks, but obviously they came from people who have trouble understanding the word homosexual and it's same-sex connotations...and while I didn't demand proof, I'm pretty sure the woman who painted my nails was actually, you know, a woman. And Jesus, man, she just painted my nails. She didn't stick a dildo up my butt!

The funny thing is that even if she did, that still wouldn't make it gay!

Luckily her brother was there to remind me that I wasn't going to get any action from her, which was comforting because I was starting to feel obligated... (Badoom boomp pshhstt.)

Overall, I had a few laughs but ducked out at the first opportunity. At least I came away with pink toes.

(*Not that there's anything wrong with being vacantly's just that it has a short shelf life. Even if the sex is Tantric, the appeal is only going to last a few hours, max.)

Random Sunday Ten

It's been a while since I did one of these, and it's not even Friday. Oh well, I was always late with my Random Friday Ten anyway.

I plead non-portable music collection.

1) Taxi Driver - John Lee Hooker
2) Deep Kick - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
3) Suffering Overdrive - Black Label Society
4) Baby, Please Don't Leave Me - Buddy Guy
5) My Ideal - Sonny Criss
6) Tomorrow - Silverchair
7) Garden Grove - Sublime
8) Company - Flybanger
9) Smokin in the Boys Room - Motley Crue
10) Reject Yourself - Killswitch Engage